Tommy Riles
October 31, 2012
Lives in: Los Angeles
Occupation: Comedian & Audience Warm-up, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Life of Dad Founder
Twitter: @tommyriles
Facebook: 575811228
Once you have a child, Halloween is no longer about you winning the town’s costume contest at the local Best Western. It is about teaching your baby the tradition behind the weirdest holiday in the world.
I remember when my cousins from New Zealand visited when they were around ten years old and first experienced Halloween. They were absolutely dumbfounded that we dressed as clowns, hobos, and pirates, and walked straight up to everybody’s house demanding candy. When a person, regardless of their age, first witnesses Halloween, it must seem completely surreal.
As a dad, I will over the years teach the following six lessons to my daughter, even though they seem to be things a parent should never share with their kid!
1) The night before Halloween, it is okay to destroy your neighbor’s yards with toilet paper and shaving cream (at least in New Jersey)
Breakdown: We all did this, and nobody ever got arrested!
2) On Halloween, it is okay to eat as much candy as you want.
Breakdown: Maybe there is a limit, but who is going to stop you
3) On Halloween, it is okay to steal an entire bucket of candy from a front porch, even if there is a sign that says, “Please Take One.”
Breakdown: Any parent who says they haven’t done this is a liar
4) On Halloween, you can wear whatever you want to school.
Breakdown: My parents often sent me dressed as a bum
5) On Halloween, you will learn which of your teachers are idiots.
Breakdown: Teachers are amazing, but sometimes, you get a sour grape. My biology teacher in high school shaved his long hair for a Darth Vader costume. After the coolness of the costume wore off, he lost the respect of the class because he had shaven his head for Halloween.
6) On Halloween, it is okay to scare a complete stranger.
Breakdown: If you hide in the bushes and scream “Boo” at somebody walking by, there would be no consequences to this action.
Again, I don’t think the above lessons are good ones, but it does seem they are passed on generation to generation. How strange is Halloween? Honestly.
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