I Should Have Just Had Cereal: A 4th of July Breakfast Tale

Tommy Riles
July 5, 2012

Tommy Riles

Lives in: Los Angeles
Occupation: Comedian & Audience Warm-up, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Life of Dad Founder
Twitter: @tommyriles
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My Fourth of July started out with really good intentions.

It was 8AM, and I wanted to make a tasty breakfast for the extended family. My father-in-law was outside cleaning the pool, as my sister-in-law was swimming.

My wife and both of our kiddos were still asleep. I imagined myself finishing the bacon and eggs breakfast at 8:30AM, and everybody sitting down together and eating, being thankful for our nation’s independence.

A few terms you need to know for the rest of this story…

Pops = my father-in-law
Bride = my wife
Babs = my daughter
T-Bone = my son
Old Unfaithful = Pops’ really old stove/oven contraption

Here’s how the next 2.75 hours played out…

8AM – I turn on Old Unfaithful’s oven (to bake the bacon). I was going for simple, and for me it is easier to cook bacon on a baking sheet in the oven.

8:01AM – Babs wakes up…I run up to get her, change her, and bring her downstairs.

8:06AM – I realize the oven is not on. Old Unfaithful is the oldest oven/stove I have ever seen. You need a match to start it, and it quits when it wants to.

8:10AM – I set Babs up with strawberries to eat outside, as I put the bacon on the outside grill. (I have seen people do this while tailgating, and it seems to work fine).

8:20AM – With the bacon almost halfway cooked, I find out Pops is going to 8:30 mass. He takes off. So does my sister in-law. That’s alright, I’ll have a great sit-down dinner just with my immediate family… Happy 4^th!

8:25AM – Babs starts crying to see Mommy. I bring her upstairs. My bride, and our son, T-Bone are both up as well. I’m frazzled by the bacon still being on the grill.

8:32AM – I bring the cooked bacon inside, and plan to cook the eggs on Old Unfaithful. I start the stove with a match, while munching on bacon. Sure I’m a little behind schedule, but breakfast is going to be awesome.

8:35AM – With a frying pan that should heated, and an old wooden spatula ready to go, I realize that Old Unfaithful has turned itself off. Uh oh.

8:36AM – I use a match to re-start the stove on Old Unfaithful.

8:40AM – With the frying pan finally heated, and the old wooden spatula ready to go, I realized there is no butter or olive oil in the house. How am I going to cook eggs? I turn off Old Unfaithful.

8:45AM – Babs and I travel next door and borrow butter from the neighbors.

8:50AM – I start Old Unfaithful with a match again.

8:55AM – I butter up the frying pan, and start cooking the eggs.

9:00AM – I assist my bride in feeding Babs and T-Bone, while the eggs start to burn.

9:02AM – I realize that I left two pounds of uncooked bacon outside and it is already 90 degrees. They are now semi-cooked. I have no choice but to cook all the bacon now. Otherwise we are throwing it out.

9:06AM – Eggs finished, I attempt to cut the rest of the bacon in half to cook it on the stove. It is too gooey to cut, so I realize I’ll have to cook it in the oven (the frying pan is too small).

9:08AM – I re-start the oven of Old Unfaithful.

9:15AM – I put the bacon on the cookie sheet in the oven in Old Unfaithful. Almost done!

9:20AM – I realize the Old Unfaithful oven had shut off, so the bacon wasn’t cooking…it seems to be because the door didn’t shut properly, and too much air was getting in there, which put out the flame. Nowhere near done!

9:25AM – I re-start the Old Unfaithful oven, and prop the door shut with the garbage can. Gosh, I love Independence Day.

9:30AM – Babs starts running around in the kitchen, and I fear that one unexpected tap on the garbage can will knock open the door on Old Unfaithful. This would (a) burn Babs, and (b) turn off the oven. I was very overwhelmed.

9:40AM – My bride and Pops eat their bacon and eggs in the living room, as I chow down in the kitchen. I’m sweating, its at least 95% in there, and smoke everywhere. Not quite the breakfast that I had imagined.

9:55AM – The bacon has barely cooked at all…Old Unfaithful is not staying too warm.

10:15AM – Round two of bacon is finally done. I put the grease in a container, which goes in the freezer.

10:35AM – Round three of bacon is complete…I put the bacon grease in the same container.

10:40AM – I wash all the dishes, and the end is in sight. Sure, this process has been terrible, but I’m done, right?

10:45AM – I open the freezer and knock all of the bacon grease onto the ground. Three dogs rush in to lick it up. I put them outside, and mop the kitchen floor.

10:50AM – Two hours and fifty minutes after starting to cook bacon and eggs, I finish the job. I’m a sweaty mess, and I think, “I should have just had cereal.”

Cereal image courtesy of ErinKphoto

Stove image courtesy of Mishimoto

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