“But I Only Know Songs from The Lion King…” (or) Ten Ways I Can Take Advantage of The Life of Dad’s Popularity

Crunchyface
October 20, 2012

Crunchyface

Lives in: New York, NY
From: Long Branch, NJ
Web: http://www.crunchyface.com/
Facebook: 130488123717571
YouTube: Crunchyfilm

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Crunchyface is jealous.  A couple of Dads start singing a show tune and all of a sudden Life of Dad is blowing up. Meanwhile, Crunchy’s most recent hysterical feature, on funny things that have washed up on the beach, has received nary a hit. Perhaps it’s time to reassess both material and motivation. As the only childless contributor here, is there a chance Crunchy has been going about this fame and fortune thing in the wrong fashion? Here are a few ways Crunchy plans on taking advantage of the popularity of the Life of Dad.

Ten Ways I Can Take Advantage of Life of Dad’s Popularity

1) Have a Child–My cache in the dadosphere would increase dramatically if I had a kid. The problem with having a child, though, is the unpredictability. What if my child instinctively hates me? What if he or she doesn’t inherit my hairline? What if the child doesn’t live up to my impossible specifications and standards? Especially since  those standards have been devised according to a bizarre combination of people from The Learning Channel–namely Honey Boo Boo (talent, looks), Long Island Medium (magic powers), and the Cake Boss (ability to make cake).

“Did somebody say ‘cake’?”

2) Kidnap the Founders–”Hello, is this Life of Dad? Oh, good.  Know a guy named Tom? Yeah, the ‘Dad.’ Well, I’ve got him right here. I’ve taped front-row tickets to One Direction’s upcoming concert all over his body, and he’s currently suspended over a pit filled with rabid tween girls. I’d give your mailing list and Facebook fans to Crunchyface, or little Tom here is gonna find out just how brutal parenthood can be…”

“Do what he says, guys! I have a wife and…well, you know the rest.”

3) Sing a Song–I get it; multiple dads with manly occupations, screeching a little girl’s song for the love of their daughters. Cute. But what about a decidedly unmanly homeless guy, who may or may not be a dad, singing a Beatles song for the love your pocket change. Cute?

Worst Beatles Cover Ever (Subway Performer)

Recorded last year as part of my “Making Fun of People on the Subway” series.  I expect it to go viral immediately now. 

4) Celebrities–It seems Tony Danza had no problem appearing on the Life of Dad podcast in order to talk about kids, but couldn’t be bothered to respond to my interview request, where I’d planned to make fun of him. The Hollywood elite, man, they’re just so out-of-touch. So I found my own celebrity…Frank Stallone.

“Yeah, and I ain’t got no kids, neither.”

5) Become a Rapper/Name Change–Perhaps I could cement myself more solidly in the parenting community with a name change that reflects a different kind of patriarch. Since I have no desire to take over Haiti (Papa Doc), or make you throw up (Papa John), the best route is probably to become a rapper–a father of beats, if you will. Big Daddy Kane, Daddy Mac, Mac Daddy, “Big Poppa,” and Daddy Yankee have all made the transition to “fatherhood” well, so I think my blog-cred might radically increase should I begin to bust some rhymes.

“Don’t need any offspring ‘cept Destiny’s Child/Cause kids is hot sauce an’ I’m livin’ life mild.” 

6) My Own “Life of…”–In an attempt to capitalize on the growing name recognition of Life of Dad, I’ve already purchased the following urls: Lifeofgrad.com (for the unemployed), lifeofchad.com (for fans of either Ochocinco or Rob Lowe’s little brother), lifeofpad.com (for frogs), and fifeofdad.com (for dads who are also flute enthusiasts).

7) Ham Radio–A lot of people believe that the Internet and podcasts are on the decline, and that ham and CB radio are coming back in a big way. Sadly, Life of Dad doesn’t have a handle–it can’t tell you where smokey is. But Crunchyface can, good buddy.

“Breaker, breaker. This is Stretch Mark. Is there anybody out there I can talk fatherhood with? Over.  Anybody with a funny anecdote about their kids?  Over.”

8) Life of Mom–Currently, Dad has custody of the website. But when Mom is able to prove to a court that she can provide the appropriate bandwidth necessary to properly raise a social network, we may see a joint-custody situation.

9) Keanu Reeves–His films provide the technological backbone I’ll need if I’m to usurp the Life of Dad network, and infect its father-computer with Crunchyface propaganda. No other resource is truly necessary if you study Bill and Ted, Johnny Mnemonic, The Matrix, A Scanner Darkly, and The Lake House.

10) Direct the Life of Dad Movie—I think you need a childless person who can stand back and appraise the material neutrally–without emotion clouding the artistic vision.

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