Spice Cream!

Patrick Quinn
October 19, 2012

Patrick Quinn

Birthday: April 26, 1976
Twitter: @QuinnPJ
Facebook: CaptainDynamo

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Remember the last time you sat down to eat something delicious without being asked for bites? I remember too. It was 4 years 6 months and 20 days ago. That’s around when my daughter started walking and coincidentally the same time she started meandering on over every time I had a morsel to eat. Naturally I’ll share whatever I have with her, but occasionally what I’m eating is not community property and I refuse to share it among my children. Generally the items that never fall under “family style” are my desserts.

I don’t want to share for a number of reasons. The first is pure greed for whatever delightful bite I’m having. The second is a combo of sugar levels and timing. I’ll have desserts, like most people, after dinner. The very last thing I want to do as I’m trying to put my kids to bed is to inject them with a highly concentrated dose of sugar that will disrupt the coma they are about to enter. So I needed to figure out a way that will not only end the discussion of sharing immediately, but also ensure that I won’t be barraged with requests every time I have a brownie.

I came up with a magical solution. It’s one that you all should employ as early as you possibly can. I call it Spice Cream. We were at a restaurant one time and getting ready to pack it in when the waiter came by and said “Any coffee, desserts? Little ones want some ice cream???”. I stifled the urge to throttle the waiter for mentioning that out loud. Of course they want ice cream you POS. However it’s 30 minutes before bedtime and they won’t be having ice cream. Now I have to explain to them that they can’t have it and guess who looks like a dick? Not the waiter who just graciously offered it to them. I thought on the spot and quickly responded “No, my kids don’t like Spice Cream” to the baffled waiter. Kayleigh was also baffled. “But I do like ice cream!” —-“No no no honey, he said SPICE cream. It looks like ice cream, but it’s really spicy and hot.”—— “Oh….. then I don’t want that.”

IT WORKED!!!! Kayleigh once snuck a bite of a bagel I was eating when I was out of the room. It had Jalapeno cream cheese on it. When I came into the kitchen I found her holding an ice pack to her mouth (photo evidence to the right). It was hysterical. She has been afraid of “spice” ever since.

Soon everything I ate became spicy.

“You wouldn’t like those cookies honey, they’re spicy.”

“Sorry honey, I’d give you a bite of my lunch, but it’s super spicy.”

“Yeah sweetie, this is the super spicy cereal. You should stick with plain Cheerios”.

Requests suddenly stopped flowing in for every little thing I ate. It’s been wonderful! They’ll catch on eventually, but I’m going to enjoy the ride while I can. If your kids are young enough, maybe consider making a batch of truly awful brownies or cookies. Mix some cumin, mustard, dill pickle juice and Herring into the batter. Serve it up to them with pride. I guarantee you just bought yourself a year or two of kids who will opt for an apple instead of sweets

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