TODDLER LAND MINES: An Unexpected Twist During Potty Training

Tommy Riles
October 26, 2012

Tommy Riles

Lives in: Los Angeles
Occupation: Comedian & Audience Warm-up, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Life of Dad Founder
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Warning to all friends and family members:

If you are visiting our house in the near future, beware of TLMs (Toddler Land Mines).

In the ongoing battle of potty training, we have taken many steps forward, as well as a few steps back. For the most part, the toddler does the lower number on the toilet. A handful of times, the toddler has completed the higher number (#2) on the toilet, but for the most part, it goes something like this.

5-7PM: The toddler does everything she can to escape from her parents so she can soil her pants in private. The toddler’s parents chase her around, making sure this doesn’t happen.

7:30PM: After reading some books, brushing her teeth, and her refusing to use the toilet, the toddler retires to her crib.

8-10PM: The toddler’s parents enter her room in full battle mode, on the lookout for TLMs (Toddler Land Mines).

You see, this toddler will only release a #2 while in her bed. Every night, the toddler completes a three part process, creating a TLM.

1. Toddler completes an impressive #2 in her pajamas.
2. Toddler removes her pajamas.
3. Toddler throws the #2 across the room, creating a TLM.

Once this checklist has been completed, the toddler’s parents attempt to discover and eliminate the TLMs which can be anywhere in the room. If they don’t destroy the TLMs in a timely manner, the toddler’s room can potentially be considered unsafe for up to a week.

Below is an image of an unaltered crime scene. In the foreground is TLM, while the toddler shows an evil smile in the background.

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