I think my wife should get a job as one of those “sniffer” dogs.

Hmm. That just didn’t sound right, did it? Lemme try again.

I think my wife would make a good “sniffer” dog.

Yeah, this one could get me in some trouble, if I don’t choose my words very,very carefully.

We’re all familiar with “sniffer” dogs right? Drug sniffing dogs, bomb sniffing dogs, cadaver sniffing dogs…

Dammit. There I go again. When I say “familiar,” I don’t mean to imply that any of you fine readers have had any first hand experience with these types of dogs. I’m just saying we’ve all heard of these types of dogs before.

Better?

Ok, so now that I’ve pissed off my wife by calling her a dog, and possibly offended my readers by implying that they’re a bunch of drug smuggling, bomb making, serial killers, let me start again.

I’m sure that we have all seen on the news, instances of the police, military, or rescue workers employing the use of “sniffer” dogs to root out contraband, detect explosives, or search for missing persons. These dogs are incredible. They have such a keen sense of smell that they can not only home in on what they’re trained to find, but find it in incredibly tough circumstances. They can sniff through thick underbrush, luggage, the metal, plastic, and tires of cars, they can sniff through concrete and rubble. And most of the time, they’re accurate.

My wife could totally do that.

I noticed this “special feature” she had years ago when our son Tommy was first brought home from the hospital. Like most newborns, their little poopies don’t stink yet. This is why some babies wind up with diaper rash, because they make a little poopy five minutes after you change them, and the Mommy and Daddy don’t realize they just made a little poopy because it doesn’t smell. When Mommy and Daddy check on baby an hour later, there you have it, a little poopy AND a case of diaper rash to boot.

Tommy, and all our kids thereafter were all lucky in this area, and usually only wound up with diaper rash when I watched them. Not because I didn’t keep up with changing them, but because I didn’t think to check them for new poopies, five minutes after I just changed them. My wife, Donna, on the other hand could be outside, down the street, painting the neighbor’s garage, and catch a whiff of newborn poopy. She’d then immediately rush home and burst through the door, superhero style and catch me four feet away from the soiled baby, completely oblivious to what was in the diaper.

As the years went on and the kids got older, the outstanding olfactory blessing that is my wife’s nose didn’t lose it’s usefulness at all. In fact, it became even more useful…

* SHOWER TIME: When Brandon and then Tommy started getting old enough to take showers on their own, the last thing they wanted to do while in the shower was actually clean themselves. Not wanting to invade their privacy by standing there watching them take a shower to ensure they were washing themselves, and no longer employing my method of checking by ripping open the shower curtain and yelling “A HA!!” (This method was stopped after startling Brandon so badly while he was singing into the detachable shower head, he almost knocked three teeth out.), we decided to employ Donna’s nose as the sniff checker. As each one finished their shower, Donna would stand in front of them and take a whiff. She’d immediately be able to tell if they washed their body, their hair, behind their ears, and what kind of shampoo and soap they used. It was incredible! (Not only that she could tell this, but also because how these kids could take forty minute showers and not use any soap.) Getting them to use soap and shampoo became much easier when Donna would perform the whiff test while holding her shoe in her hand, ready to strike.

 * TEETH BRUSHING TIME: Our kids use to hate brushing their teeth. Even Raylan for as little as he is, would go in the bathroom, put his little kid toothpaste on his little kid toothbrush, and stick it right in his ear. This confused Donna for a bit. Her nose would pick up the scent of toothpaste, but she kept thinking she was losing it because the smell kept coming from Raylan’s ear. Once we figured out what he was doing, and told him that the toothpaste would turn into a monster inside his ear and eat his brain, he started brushing his teeth the right way. Knowing that the nose knows all, the kids all brush their teeth the right way now.

* LAUNDRY TIME: This one is predominantly for Brandon. As a teenage boy, he not only stinks, but so does his ability to take his dirty clothes out of his room and put them in the wash. Not that much of a problem any more since the Nose Patrol can stand in the kitchen and just tell by sniffing the air that it’s time for him to clean his room and do his wash.

* CONTRABAND SEARCHES: This one is really important after Halloween and Valentine’s day, when the kids all like to hide away candy like a squirrel hides away nuts, and then proceed to stay up all night eating the candy, so in the morning they look and act like zombies on a sugar high. We don’t need to worry about this either; Donna just walks around each kid’s room, nose on the alert, and can find wherever they have any candy hidden. She then proceeds to stay up all night eating the confiscated candy, so in the morning she looks and acts like a zombie on a sugar high.

Needless to say, having a wife with the expert sniffing abilities of a trained “sniffer” dog is huge asset to our parenting life. Her nose has single-handedly prevented diaper rash, bad hygiene, tooth decay, smelly laundry pile-ups, and a host of other calamities other families who aren’t as blessed, may suffer.

Three cheers for the nose who knows all!

 

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This post was originally published on daddyanarchy.com on 1/20/2014 by Tom Ciomcia, who was given a severe verbal thrashing by his wife for even implying that she could work as a “sniffer dog”. He’s currently allowed back in the bedroom.