Sticks and Stones - Life of Dad

As we were growing up in Pompton Plains, New Jersey, by brother Verne & I would blow off the effect any names our friends called us by saying, “Sticks & stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.” More often than not, Verne would then add, “When I die, you will cry & I’ll come down from Heaven & punch you in the eye.”

The effect name calling had on me all changed in high school, when what my peers said about me & thought about me became the most important thing in the world to me………..

Without gaining even one ounce over six months a growth spurt spiked my height to six feet, but because my weight was not even 125 lbs., I would have made for a good poster boy for “Feed the Children.” I looked like a dork, felt like a dork, & friends had me convinced I was a dork.

Constant criticism from classmates whose opinion I valued most knocked my self esteem down to an all time low. It felt like I was living in a “Peer pressure cooker.” Just when it seemed things couldn’t get worse, they did when……..the decision was made that in order for me to eventually graduate, my sophomore year would have to be repeated in the hope my grades would improve.

When it was time to break what was devastating news to me about the decision about a second sophomore year, the news gave my “Friends,” something else to criticize me for. Later on that unforgettable spring day, a popular jock named Jim heard the news & announced that from that day forward, everyone would refer to me as, “Rickets Riles.”

That evening to my dismay I saw where the dictionary defined rickets as a, “Deformity of the legs.” Gossip & criticism travel fast so by the following morning everyone at school was making jokes about my new name & they called me “Rickets” from that day on.

Being “re-named” by a classmate who was made popular by his personality, natural good looks, academic, & athletic ability effected me for years. Regardless of hot & muggy it was during the summers on the east coast, up until the age of thirty-five I never felt comfortable wearing shorts, because to me, wearing shorts would open the door to the possibility of others criticizing the deformity of the legs the name “Rickets” described & classmates were still calling me at our twenty-five year high school reunion.

Key point for the Life of Dad Community to remember:

Dads have no control over the criticism our children get from peers as they are growing up. Criticism hurts our children & it hurts us to see our children criticized. Daddy’s little girl can to school in the morning “All smiles” & come home in tears simply because a “friend” who felt the need to divert attention away from herself got classmates to make fun of the way our little girl combed her hair that day.

OR……………….

Our son may have been doing his very best in speech class when he was crushed by a friend’s criticism in front of other classmates about everything he said, even though the teacher loved the speech.

We MUST be on guard at ALL times about what we say to our children. We reap what we sow & when we say things like, “He’s SO shy, she’s so clumsy, he’s just never going to get it, she’s always getting in trouble, etc.” GUESS WHAT…………….He will be shy, she will be clumsy, he will never get it, while she is always getting in trouble.

One day years ago at a family gathering in Jersey, a boy in his early twenties introduced himself to me by saying, “Hi, I’m Billy and I’m a little slow.” What do you think Billy’s Dad told him over & over growing up?

Last week at my ripe age of sixty three, one of my absolutely wonderful grandsons Owen wanted me to throw a ball to him. As I held the ball & moved my hand back past my head to pitch it overhand I KNEW what Owen was about to see was how “An old lady throws a ball.”

My dear Dad, God rest his soul had no idea what impact his words would have when told me every time we had a catch in the back yard, “Tom, you throw that ball like an old lady.” The amazing thing is, I still heard Dad’s voice I my mind last week when Owen & his Papi were having a catch in Owen’s back yard.

We ABSOLUTELY can control what we say to our children & how we say it…….

So my dear fellow Dads, let’s make the commitment today to, “Watch our P’s & Q’s, then memorize Dorothy Nolte’s powerful poem,………because “Sticks & stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts” Robert Fulghum

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Submitted to Life of Dad by Tom Riles, Sr.