Generic Beer for Generic People
Hey man. I’m glad you’re here. I know I’m probably the last person you want to take advice from considering I’m neither married nor have any kids, but I beg you to hear me out. Sometimes when we hang out, there are some things that you’ll float out there in normal conversations that really irk me. And I’m willing to bet that it probably bothers our other married friends too. It’s just that you have repressed that part of your brain in exchange for a hassle free home life. And that’s fine. Respectable. Seriously.
But I just want you to know that it’s never too late to learn something new. So here are a few words or phrases you should really consider deleting from the program… at least when you’re around me.
“Let Me Check With My Wife” – Every time someone says this, Viagra’s stock goes up. Look I’m all for the equality of the relationship and soul mates and compromising and yadda yadda, but at the very least, say something like “I’ll get back to you” or “let me check my schedule.” This at least sounds like you’re going to ditch me and the fun time I just offered you for something else YOU want to do. Oh and any variation of this (The Mrs./The Boss/The Ol’ Ball & Chain, etc.) is also not acceptable.
“Fiancé” – (this is me, shaking my head at you in disappointment.)
"Well ooo la laaa Mr. French Man!"
“Looks Like I’m On The Couch Tonight” –You’ve just told me in so many words that you’re fine with being considered whipped. And for what exactly? For telling a vulgar joke to a group of guys at an adult party that your wife just so happened to hear with her bionic hearing from across the yard? For drinking 3 beers instead of 2? Relax. My advice. Buy a really comfortable couch and only a halfway decent mattress. Then take your “punishment” with gusto. Just don’t tell us about it. No one wants to think less of you.
“I’m Only Allowed To…” – Let me stop you right there. Are you referring to some kind of deal that you didn’t wholeheartedly agree to with your life partner? Some backbreaking compromise that most likely crushed part of your spirit? No good can come of finishing this sentence in front of another man.
"Allright, I'll do ONE"
“I Find That Offensive” – I’m sorry. Am I not talking with the guy who I once saw run naked around a baseball diamond at a high school yelling “Home Run” for a solid five minutes straight? Oh that was you? OK, Alice. Man up and take the joke.
“Crown Molding” – Honestly I could have put a number of “new homeowner” terms here but every time I hear the term “crown molding” before completely falling asleep, I always marvel at the fact that a) It’s such a big deal b) It’s so expensive and c) you are constantly raving about it.
“Just Wait Until You’re a Husband/Father/Homeowner… You’ll See” – What are you, my mother? Honestly if we weren’t such good friends, I’d come over there and bite your nose. Not to mention that whenever someone says this it’s always in a slightly condescending tone.
There… I feel better. I know it might be tough to hear, but at least you heard it from me. And if you want to argue about it, let me just say….