When I was in my twenties, I spent a few years working as an EMT in the emergency medical services. This basically meant that I had to take some classes and pass some exams that proved that I had somewhat of a general idea of what makes the human body tick and keeps people alive.
That being said, with all that glorious knowledge about the human body behind me, I think my three year old son, Raylan is an alien.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean like a little green man from Mars, or one of those creepy, androgynous, bulbous headed, big eyed guys from Area 51. I’m talking about the ones that look just like us. The aliens that have all the physical traits of a human, but there’s just a couple things off about them. You know, the type of alien that may talk in a weird way, or eat aluminum cans. The type of alien that comes over for a pool party and can stay underwater doing handstands for an hour and a half without coming up for air.
They look normal, but do things that just aren’t human normal.
So, that brings us back to my youngest kid being an alien.
Aside from my vast knowledge of alien traits and behaviors as indicated above, my past medical training has led me to make this diagnosis (I know, EMTs, especially ex-EMTs aren’t permitted to diagnose people, but how many doctors do you know that are diagnosing people as aliens? Didn’t think so.). Here are my main reasons for reaching this conclusion:
* THE BOY DOESN’T BLINK- This is by far and away, one of the creepiest, most unnerving things ever. At first, I thought it was due to the time I caught him neck deep in a box of Choco Poofs and he was all jacked up on the sugar, but it wasn’t isolated to just that time. He can be dead tired, ready to fall asleep and still look at you without blinking. WEIRD! On the plus side, one time I actually tried checking him to see if he even had eyelids (he did) and he didn’t like this one bit, so in case his alien leaders decide to have him try and take over, I’ll know what to use against him, and go right for the eyelids.
* HE DOESN’T’ BREATHE- Don’t go and get all worried and send the real EMTs over, he’s not like the color blue type of not breathing, it’s just that he is continually talking. Always. Doesn’t stop. Ever. With the amount this kid talks, he doesn’t have time to breathe. Believe me, I’ve tried listening for him to take a breath. Nope. Doesn’t happen, just keeps on talking. And talking. And talking. The worst part of it is, and this is where I think he’s using some sort of alien brain destroying weapon on me, is that for as much as he talks, he never really has anything to say. Here’s an example, if i may:
Me: Hi, Raylan. How goes it, buddy?
Raylan: See wall in da fridge an um, um, um da dog’s tail down! Right, Daddy?
Me: Sure, buddy. You hungry?
Raylan: Ow un da poo wit da ducks in da summer at granpa’s? Right, Daddy?
Me: BABE!!! RAYLAN NEEDS YOU!
* HE JUST DOESN’T EAT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING- Let me start this by saying the kid’s hand/eye/mouth coordination skills are spot on, so I know he has the capability to actually get food to his mouth. It’s just when it comes to real food, that the true alien kicks in. Give him a hot dog* * and it goes in his ear. Cup of milk? He drinks it like the dog. Applesauce? He tries inhaling it. Play Doh? Straight in the mouth.
So there you have it. My three year old son is an alien. I’ve actually grown to accept it over the past three years and am quite fond of my little alien (then again, I was a huge fan of Star Wars, Mork and Mindy, and ALF, so why wouldn’t I love an alien?). I feel pretty lucky that we got the alien kid that we did. We could have got one that goes around tearing shit up with his Planet Mogwar Lazer Death Ray Zapper thingy. He and I may not always be communicating on the same wavelength, but whenever he looks up at me with those creepy little non-blinking eyes and says “um, um I wuboo Daddy. Right Daddy?” I just couldn’t be any happier.
Then I pull the hot dog out of his ear and send him back to the table to finish his Play Doh.
** Dear Parenting Police- I understand that you must be very careful when giving young children and/or aliens hot dogs, as there is a choking risk. Thank you for being concerned. Now, go take care of your own little alien.
This wonderfully entertaining post was originally published at daddyanarchy.com by Tom Ciomcia on 1/2/2014