Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 2012. So, the Captain is tried to make green smoothies. After multiple bouts of the family stomach bug, Mrs. Captain suggested that we try to make some dietary changes. The Captain ventured to our local Meijer and purchased a brand new Black and Decker blender as well as an assortment of produce.
Fast forward a couple hours later and The Captain and Mrs. Captain stood in front of the brand new blender with a fistful of fruits and veggies. We added apples, carrots, spinach, red grapes, water, and ice. Simple, right?
The issue? I hadn’t read the directions. My grandfather raised me to believe that the directions were simply propaganda inserted into the merchandise from the company that detracts you from the true enjoyment of the merchandise. This sentiment often found he and I returning to the store with said merchandise because we couldn’t figure out how to work the item.
At any rate, I did break down and read the directions to figure out how to make a smoothie. Hit the Pulse button for no more than 5 seconds at a time. Got it.
Now what you have to understand about The Captain is that he is a meatarian. Veggies and fruits are not friends. They are custodians of terror. They penalize the taste buds and deprive them of the bliss that is meat and potato. So, suffice to say, a green smoothie is not The Captain’s cup of proverbial tea.
The blending began. A nirvana of health and well-being awaited The Captain. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pause. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pause. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Mrs. Captain smiled with pride – she is an agent of the produce terror squad. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pause. GRRRRRRRRRR.
“Well, I think it is done,” Mrs. Captain declared. “Let’s see what it tastes like.” And with that, Mrs. Captain innocently picked up the carafe holding the green elixir. The problem was that when she picked up the carafe, she twisted and lifted – freeing the carafe from the base, and the smoothie from the carafe. All over the floor. And all over Mrs. Captain.
There seemed to be five minutes of silence. And then laughter. The kitchen looked as though it had been slimed. There was green smoothie – EVERYWHERE.
So I did what any red blooded man or child would have done: I stuck my finger in the mess and tasted it. Don’t tell anybody, but it was halfway decent.
Later, Mrs. Captain made a smoothie for the Eldest without incident. She seemed to enjoy it. We are going to make another attempt today. I am confident that we won’t have another mess because…
I read the instructions.
For Now…Captain Out.