Once upon a time, there was a young teenage Prince, named Prince Half Ass.
Prince Half Ass lived with his mom, the Queen, and his dad, the King. They lived in a moderately sized castle in a fairly nice neighborhood, with good schools, and plenty of fun things for Prince Half Ass to do nearby.
The King and Queen had busted their royal asses to get their family to this point in life, and had certain expectations of Prince Half Ass when it came down to doing his part, which consisted of picking up after the royal Poodles, taking the trash out to the castle’s tree lawn, and keeping his royal quarters clean. Not bad, considering some of the things other royal families that the King and Queen talked to, had their Princes and Princesses doing. Things such as mowing the royal lawn, cleaning the moat, and getting a job bagging groceries down at the local Kingdom Mart…all this on top of the chores Prince Half Ass was supposed to be doing.
Needless to say, The King and Queen were very distraught, as they were continually having to remind the young prince to do the few chores he had. Even on days that Prince Half Ass did do his chores, they were always rushed, and never done thoroughly. The prince always seemed to have something better to do. Like sit on his royal duff and play Medieval Ops, or search the web for such things like “Peasant Chicks Gone Wild” and “Female Knights Without Their Chainmail”. The King and Queen probably should have followed up a bit more with Prince Half Ass, and held him more accountable, but they were just thankful for those days that the Prince at least attempted his chores.
All of this came to a head one day when the King was out doing yard work around the castle, with no help from the Prince, who was in his quarters watching “The Naughty Maidens of Serf City” on Netflix, when the Queen went outside by the moat to bask in the sun and stepped in some royal Poodle poop. This would have been bad enough if it had just ended at that, but the Queen, who was notoriously known for her, um…shall we say, absolutely horrific, terrifying, and relatively short temper, did not just let it end at that. Nope. She never does…
Anyway, the Queen, who is stark raving mad, beyond the point of lunacy at this point, storms off into the castle to admonish Prince Half Ass for not doing his royal chores, without ever taking off her sandal, that is still soiled with Poodle poop. It goes without saying that the Queen is leaving a bit of a mess as she stomps and screams through the house, looking for the Prince, who in turn hears her approaching, and quickly sneaks out of the castle through his window and runs down to Kingdom Mart to meet his girlfriend, Princess Puts Out Alot.
Meanwhile, the King had found many more piles of Poodle poop while doing yard work, once again evidence to the fact that Prince Half Ass pretty much half assed his chores again, to which the King, lacking any Kingdom Mart bags to pick it up, raked the piles into one big pile for the young prince to pick up.
Back in the castle, the Queen, unable to find Prince Half Ass and now seeing (and smelling) the mess she tracked through the castle, realizes there’s only one thing to do at this point, which is immediately call her sister to tell her what happened. As the Queen loudly recounts the story to her sister, she proceeds to go look for the King, so she can promptly blame the whole thing on him.
Walking outside, the Queen sees the King, who in case anyone hasn’t noticed, is the only one doing anything productive, and goes huffing and puffing over to him to give him a well deserved verbal thrashing that he’ll most likely not have any idea why he’s getting.
The Queen tells her sister that she’ll call her right back after she tears the King a new royal ass, and as she’s hanging up the phone…she gets another call, this time from her mother (go figure!), which she answers and begins recounting the whole story to her. She doesn’t pay attention to where she’s walking (quite possibly because as she’s telling her mother the story, she’s lifting her fouled foot up and pointing at it, as if her mother can actually see what she’s yelling about) and trips and falls face first into the newly raked pile of Poodle poop. A complete, loud and total meltdown follows.
To conclude our story, Prince Half Ass wound up knocking up Princess Puts Out Alot, and they each got matching misspelled neck tattoos to show their love for each other. They had the baby and they both live with the Princess’s parents, where Prince Half Ass sits on the couch all day, playing Grand Theft Catapult, while the Princess still works at Kingdom Mart and her parents take care of the baby.
After being helped up from the mess she had fallen into, it was obvious that the Queen had finally snapped, and was admitted into the local Psych Ward, where she still resides today, talking to imaginary people all day long on a play cell phone.
The King still visits the Queen nearly everyday at the Psych Ward, where she tells the imaginary person on the play phone to hold on while she screams at him for reasons completely unknown to him, or anyone else for that matter. In his free time from doing yard work, the King writes a blog.
So, the moral of the story, is that if you let your kids run all over you, do what they want and half ass everything, things can get pretty shitty.
As parents, it should be our jobs to teach our kids, hold them accountable for things, not do everything for them, and prepare them to be responsible, respectful adults. We should follow up when we ask them to do something, and ensure it’s done right.
I know some kids may not like this, but oh, well…they’ll get over it. And eventually be much better off for it.
Originally published at daddyanarchy.com on 1/6/2014 under the title Prince Half Ass and His Sh%*ty Chores by Tom Ciomcia