Like many men, I was completely confused at the number of items we were gifted, purchased, or stole when it came to our first child. “What is this for?” became a common question around my house.

Gentlemen, that question is NOT well received.

Trey: (picks up item) What is this for?
Wife: (sighs)
Wife: (rolls eyes)
Wife: (Grabs item from Trey)
Wife: You don’t know what this is for?
Trey: No.
Wife: Trey, this is a diaper. It will collect the pee-pee and dookie from your son. It will prevent our house from being one big dookie farm.

Okay, I might have made that up. My wife is too eloquent to use words like pee-pee and dookie when describing anything. That, however, isn’t the point of my ramblings today. I have provided for you, manly descriptions of various infant products and terminology (because “What does this mean?” ISN’T much better than “What is this for?”) that I’ve discovered in my 8 or so months as a father. If you’re expecting, this will SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Baby Bjorn – An essential for any father. This handy backpack-like device that allows you to carry your child around while giving you the freedom to use both hands. Very convenient when used in conjunction with common household chores like operating a drill press or welding the broken weather vane back on your roof.

Baby Einstein – These failed Bonnaroo promotional videos were remarketed to our children.

Bottle Brush – The act of wiping off the nipple of a recently dropped bottle that has landed on the ground, floor, or public park bathroom tile. This is usually after daddy carelessly turns his attention away from the feeding child and towards a scantily clad jogger or a bum washing his face with his socks. This needs to be done in a swift and stealthy manner to avoid the inevitable scorning from your better half.

Breast Pump – You wish. You just had a baby. That’s not happening for awhile.

Butt Paste – Despite the name, you cannot huff this stuff like you can with most pastes.

Car Seat Base – …Satan…

Car Seat Base Installation– see: Completing a Rubik’s Cube in Under 5 Minutes with a Shotgun Firmly Pressed Against your Temple.

Diaper Genie – What a freaking crock this name is. There is nothing magical about this device. Rubbing the outside and asking for anything doesn’t work. Has yet to grant me any wishes. Stick your hand down in it like I did to see for yourself.

Going Home Outfit – The clothes you drove your wife to the hospital in, and that have remained on your body for 4 days before finally leaving the hospital with your newborn.

Hand Sanitizer – The bottle says it’s INSTANT hand cleaner, but it does not remove doo doo without the proper amount of effort.

PeePee TeePee

Peepee Teepee – As a kid we had this water-hose toy where this creepy looking clown would use the water to fire his hat 4000 feet in the air. While practical for young babies, these devices quickly mimic that toy when your son’s urine stream picks up steam.

Receiving Blanket – Stapling 6 of these together makes for one adult blanket. Good for hospital stays or snuggling on cold Florida winter nights with a cup of hot cocoa and the TV tuned in to that channel “what has a fireplace running on it”. Hospitals have like 5 billion of these things, just grab and go.

Rice Cereal –If you really get your elbow grease going when mixing this product, it can double as butt paste in both consistency and taste. Your kid doesn’t know any better, so he or she will still eat it.

Sleep – Your kid’s natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored. Usually done during the day time, when you’re at work and cannot participate.

Tummy Time – Ever seen a turtle on its back? This cruel practice is called hazing in most states. That’s a felony bossman.

Wet Wipe – The immediate and pointless swipe one takes at their clothing after one’s child drools, pees, or yacks on them. (See also: Second Wipe: That is the wipe on the pants to get the wipe from the Wet Wipe off your hands)

Wipe Warmer – Seriously? We paid how much to heat up a couple wet wipes?

If you have some of your own, please share them. Maybe, just maybe, we can save some poor sap from taking a verbal chainsaw or even worse, having to learn this on their own.